It pains me to see your mother hurting so bad for you. If only you knew and understood just how much she loves you. But you can’t because right now you’re selfish and the only thing you can see is your wants and you “needs”. I promise none of this has to continue. The pain. The suffering. The anger. The anguish. The fear.
There is more to life than just expecting people to hand you things; in fact, if you live your life expecting everything to be handed from you then your soul has nothing to be happy about. We reap the most self-assurance, and confidence and even happiness from discovering that we can take care of ourselves AND others. That we CAN count on ourselves to make it through and live another day. The fact that you act as if life should be handed to you on a silver platter may explain why you anger so easy, and hurt the ones you love. But you’re locked in such a red rage that you can’t even see just how miserable your actions are making everybody around you.
It doesn’t have to be like that. You do have a choice. You do have the ability to rely on yourself, but you have to humble yourself to the experience. You have to open your eyes and realize that this world isn’t a bad place. There are bad things that happen. Your feelings will get hurt, but those are moments to learn. Those are the moments when you have to step back and realize that you don’t feel the way you feel for the reasons you think. There is far more to it then that.
You say you’re angry because your mom won’t take care of you; but in reality, you’re angry with yourself because YOU won’t take care of you.
You won’t settle for less than $20 an hour?!? How ridiculous is THAT!? If nobody is willing to hire you at $20 an hour, you need to start out at minimum wage and work up. Prove you are WORTH $20/hour. Start at the bottom. Nobody EVER said it was going to be easy. Working minimum wage isn’t the most fanciful life. But with dedication, and hard work and a good resume, you CAN eventually find $20/hour. I’ve been working non-stop for 13 years and I still don’t make $20/hour.
I can’t afford everything I want, but I can afford everything I need. I understand the reasons for saying you won’t settle [but sadly, you’re settling for way worse]. My life isn’t peaches and cream. If I was given a choice to draw out my perfect life even 10 years ago, I would never pick even half of what I have now because I would pick something better for myself. I’m amazing. I know that. I deserve better, right? Don’t we all? But sometimes, you just have to deal with what you have and keep working to make it better. And for me, it gets better and better with each day I live. Each step I take, and with each difficult moment I make it through, whether on my own or with the help of those I love, and who love me.
I have never met you. I honestly know incredibly little about the situation. I did, however, marry somebody who is a bi-polar addict. He never dove as deeply into the world of drugs as you have, at least not for very long. But being hurt by him emotionally and physically taught me so many things and how to see the world for what it really is.
I matter. I can’t let ANYBODY tell me that I don’t. If they don’t see that I matter, then I don’t have time to waste on them. This speaks of you also. You matter. Your mother matters. She is a wonderfully sweet-hearted woman who cares for you on levels that you’ll never be able to understand.
Nobody ever guaranteed happiness. Happiness is a choice. You can’t chase it down with drugs. Nobody has ever won with that method.
But none of that will ever matter if you can’t take the time to sit down and listen to your own heart and mind. None of that will ever matter if you keep ignoring what your heart has been telling you for years.
I can tell you a million truths about yourself that will open you up and wreck you into tears, and I have never met you. Because I love and care about your mother I chose to write this. You may never read it, but you already feel it.
I pray someday soon you’ll begin to live it.