I just moved to Denver, Colorado. Just, as in we arrived late last Thursday night. It was very hard leaving my friends and family behind; especially those friends who have become my family. I’m going to miss them all very much.
I am still subscribed to all the local Seattle news affiliates on my facebook page. I got an alert about a stabbing in Lynnwood and that they were on the hunt for the murderer in the homocide. My thoughts were “I know somebody who knows that guy”, although there was no reason for this thought. It’s Lynnwood. One city up from Everett, WA. Everett isn’t exactly known for it’s lack of violence so it’s not a huge surprise and I put it off.
Later that night I learned that the victim was a co-worker of mine. He worked for me several times on a big project I was a part of running. He always had a smile on his face, and you could always count on him for some happy enthusiasm. It was never the fake enthusiasm, either. Jesus wore his heart on his sleeve, and I’d be willing to bet that if you needed it, he would give you the shirt off his own back.
My fiance is working weird hours this week, so he was asleep in the evening. I sat and stewed over so many thoughts, and even more tears. He wasn’t my best friend – we had never hung out beyond the walls of work and the smoke deck.
He stopped by my desk last week to see exactly when I was moving and made sure to tell me how much I would be missed, how amazing I am, and how lucky he was to have worked with me. I was on a call, so I couldn’t reciprocate much. Not as much as I now would have liked to. There are a few people that when I go back to visit Washington I was looking forward to be able to see again. We weren’t close, but his smiling eyes were definitely on that list.
I pain for his loss, the loss for his friends and family. It pains me even more that I’m not there to help support my friends and fellow co-workers in the loss of this wonderful soul.
I spent the next few hours crying on and off. I’ve never known anybody who was lost to an act of violence like this. I’ve never once known anybody who passed with so much life and love left to give. I pondered over all the things that naturally go through our heads: “What if I was there? Could I have stopped it?” Knowing full well that even if I had still been in Washington, I wouldn’t have been with Jesus.
Jesus is dead. Nothing anybody does at this point will EVER be able to right this wrong.
A few hours later I tried to man up and hold it all in. Peder woke, and I smiled to see him. I’m sure my eyes were red and puffy. I wrapped my arms around him. He asked what was wrong, and if I was okay. I said I was, but pulled him back to the bedroom and explained. I couldn’t contain the tears any longer. He asked if I needed to fly back to WA. I said that wasn’t necessary, but I appreciate the offer.
Being in the line of work he is in, he’s encountered death multiple times. Including having caused it. He made a point to make sure there were a few things I knew as I process this… and I feel it’s important information to share with the people who are also dealing with this loss.
There is nothing you could have done. It’s not your fault. While it hurts, and we wish we could have been there to prevent it from happening, we can’t. For our own sanity, we cannot dwell on those “what-if’s”. They can eat us alive. A senseless loss like this one is just that. Senseless. It will never make sense, even after we have all the details, IF we ever have all the details. This is one of those cases where there is no justice, and never will be. We cannot dwell to deeply in it. Living too far in this pain is unhealthy, and can lead down the wrong path.
To my friends: I love you all very much. I am sorry I am not there to help, to hug and cry with you. I know it will be awhile before some of you are ready to move past this. When you’re ready make sure you put a big smile on your face. That’s what he always did.